Sunday night. This night has sort of a paradoxical connotation tied to it for me. It goes back to, for lack of a better (read: trite) euphemism, my extremely crappy childhood.
Let me explain. I was, like many of you, a child of divorce. I lived with my mother, saw my father on weekends (when he remembered he had a daughter waiting for him to pick her up) and dealt with all of the guilt, sadness, and overall wistfulness of being the kid caught between parents that hated each other. It was, as I mentioned, extremely crappy. And Sundays were the worst because that was the day that my father would drop me back off at home, and I knew it could be the last time I ever saw him. I would make my way into the house where my mother would be waiting, and if I looked even the least bit sad, she would launch into attack mode. “Oh what’s the matter—had so much fun with your dad that coming home to your boring old mother is too depressing? Well sorry I have to work two jobs to support us since that fun-loving s.o.b. doesn’t bother to pay child support….” And on it would go until her energy was spent and I was completely demoralized. My saving grace was, ironically, the fact that my father didn’t see me every weekend, so the times when I was forgotten actually saved part of my soul. Paradox extraordinaire, oui?
This childhood memory, glum though it may be, completely shaped the person I am today. For better or worse. What did I learn? Well, for one, I learned that being yourself and feeling what you feel has consequences. It seems like a crazy lesson, right? But it is one that I draw on to this day. I spent so much time trying to hide who I was and how I felt as a kid, that I eventually lost sight of who that actually was. When I was little, the price seemed way too high, what with listening to my mother rant and rave and tell me how ungrateful I was, so I really felt that masking my true emotions was worth it. And into my teen years, I sort of just grew accustomed to doing that. It wasn’t until I was living on my own that the impact of that mindset became clear to me: Nobody knew me. Oh sure, people knew who I was-my name was out there. But nobody actually KNEW me. And it was really scary, and really lonely.
I wish I could say that once I had this epiphany, my life magically transformed and I became a mature, well-adjusted, productive member of society. But, since I would never lie to you guys, I can’t say that because that’s not what happened. It took time. A lot of time, with a lot of very painful repercussions resulting from my journey of enlightenment. But, now, here I am. A bit worse for the wear, but soul utterly intact and identity firmly entrenched in each decision I make. Was it worth it? Absofreakinglutely.
So, now it’s your turn.
What childhood memory thus far has shaped who you are? Do you want this memory to be the blueprint for which you design your “true Self?” If the answer is no, think about how you can change your perspective on it. What can you learn? If the answer is yes, talk about how you can impact the world and those in it who are most important to you. What lesson would you want to impart that has its root in this memory? I know this is hard; take your time. Nothing worth having is ever easy. And this answer is worth having. Trust me.
(450-500 words/85pts)
Posted by Bunje at 10:55 AM 0 comments
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Well I am sorry Ms. Bunje but due to the accident in seventh grade I have little to no memory of my child hood. When I was writing my eulogy for that project I had to call the Middle school I went to and ask for the teachers I had to tell me what has happened. To this day the most clear and vivid memory I have is of my sophomore year at Buena Regional High School. Everything else is just short clips and pictures of my life. Not even those can tell me much about my past. For now how I map myself for the future and where I am going is by present experiences and other’s experiences. Even when I look at pictures I see just still memories. My parents have told me about the pictures to a great extent and what happed while I was there but nothing has came back to me. Just recently I was pondering this, “why did the accident happen to me? Why wasn’t it Keith? Was this intended for me to happen?” these question have me on a rollercoaster of emotions of joy, pain, sorrow, anger, and just plain confusion. Just this question alone will put my mind at ease, but what about my future? How can you draw a blueprint with no pencil? So far this is just answering questions with questions. I think this is because that question is what keeps you going. You cannot just say, “Hey, I am going to be a police man when I grow up,” and your past has not lead you to the point where you wanted to be a police man or woman. In life we make choices, those choices impact our decisions, and the decisions make us a better person. One thing we do not much or at all is live in the moment. Right now I am thinking of going to Disney land and the prom, since my memory is not that well I rarely think on the past but the problem is I am not living in the moment. LIVE THE MOMENT. Every second counts, you do not have to make it the best second of your life every second just make it the one that matters.
ReplyDeleteWell, since were sharing i guess its ok to say, i know this story pretty well. Only difference is, in the "Kristianna version" of this story, my parents were never married and they split before i was even born, so i guess that made my life easier? They get along now that theyre older,but my mom used to secretly hate him, and anytime i did something wrong i seemed to "look more and more like my father", even now with 1 of 3 different reasons i might not graduate, i am "truely Kelvin Johnson". Hes not a bad guy, at least thats what im told; he only forgot he had a kid for the 1st 7yrs of my life, and had been slipping in an out of my life ever since. But i fixed that =] he wont ever have to think of me again.
ReplyDeleteI also know what is like to feel like no one really knows me. Ive actually thought abt this a few times this year. Over the last 4yrs, most of my friendships have been one sided. I know WAY more abt them, and some of them dont even realize they no nothing abt me. And the one person that almost had me figured out i had to cut loose back in november. (I realize, i just wrote a pile of nothing, i just thought id share too, you kinda tapped in on something i normally never talk abt.)
Anyways.
When I was in third grade,
my family moved from "Sunny Atlantic City" to EHT. It was a culture shock at first, going from an all black school to an all white school. And I remember it taking me a REALLY long time to get over it. I tried hanging out with this girl named Princess, because she was black, i didnt like hanging out with her at all, she was kinda nasty.
Then i met Shawna,
I dont remember having a real best friend before her, but i do remember rejecting her at first meeting, its embarrassing now, but because she was white. I shut her down because i just knew we wouldnt get along.
I remember throwing things, and yelling at her all the time. To this day i will never understand why that girl tried so hard to be my friend. i wouldve told me to kick rocks.
Eventually i stopped rejecting her, and we hit it off better than i ever couldve imagined. I learned alot from her. One thing being, that not all white people have it easy.
The point is, when i tried to reject something, just because it was new, it didnt really get me anywhere. But when i decided to take the leap, it was awesome. (I quickly became the "white/black girl" but thats my own doing.) From that point on I decided that meeting and talking to people totally different from myself is ok, and if anything, it made me more of a well rounded person. In me learning new things from new people, i have impacted those closest to me, my family. Some of them,wary to step outside the box,have me to let them know, its really ok and if they find a good sense of balance, theyll be ok too.
My childhood wasn't very great but it did have a good contribute to who I am today. My childhood has helped me to be where I want to be by learning and achieving. My true self can be based off my childhood. I have learned the choices you make get you anywhere. I made some bad and learned from that and I have also made some good and have learned from that too. We all have good and bad times in out lives but we all learn from our mistakes and that's what makes you a stronger person. I have learned a lot from my childhood but the most important thing I have learned is education gets you places but working hard gets you further, I work my ass off and i still seem to get nowhere but McDonald. I need an education and I know I can do but how will I pay rent and go to school. Life's not easy is basically the biggest thing I have learned from my childhood and even if I have to live in a car ill get done my education and one day hopefully be at peace with my true self.
ReplyDeleteMy childhood didnt really last a long time. i was born in philly and then moved to puerto rico where my parents fell into a depression that they are still facing today. My parents wherent really around until i was about ten years old, eveything that i knew before that was tought by my brother. My childhood tought me to always expect the unexpected. Life takes turn that you would have never known. You have to be able to adjust and be incontrolle of your life. Ever since i can remmember my parents have been taking Prozac, Cymbalta,Sanax and many other anti depresants. it wasnt easy to see your mom leave eveynight crying, wondering if she will ever come back. Then sneek in at three or four in the morning. when i was young i already knew everything about drugs,sex,alcohol,and anything else a kid shouldnt know about.
ReplyDeleteWhen i was about seven i was in the building park(i lived in a building when i was young) and i found a niddle. i didnt know what it was so i picked it up to show my brother. He smacked it out of my hand and straired me in the eyes and told me "dont touch anything you see and dont remmember anything you see" when i asked him why he told me to just listen and to know that he will always take care of me. In that moment i put all my trust in my brother. i learned that part of loving somebody is to trust them. i learnd that you never know what is going to happen but you can know what to do if something happens.
My childhood memory is all of my mothers family trying to make me hate my father and all of my fathers family trying to make me hate my mother. My whole life ive been lying about how i feel to everyone because of the things ive been through in my childhood. i would tell everyone to make the right decisions if its the right decision in your heart make it. i would also tell them to keep good company because people who steal or do drugs or drink alcohal most of the time are not good company to keep. also i would tell them be true to thierselves who cares what anyone else thinks the longer you care about what other people think about you the less you will be happy because your always worried what someone else thinks just be yourself
ReplyDeletesome childhood memories that shaped me in too the person i am now is falling off my bike and getting hurt for the first time it showed me that i am not invincable. also some other memories of my child hood consits of learning from others mistakes and being lied too shows alot of who i am now because i dont like too lie unless i have too with i never really have too. also i learned that if i say im going to do something i have too stick too it and enjoy it thats alot of things i have learned throw my childhood oo yeah and i have also learned too always show respect to everone expecaly my elders and not to say hate because its a real hurtful word and i should never say it cause you never know if i will need that person again. thats about all of my childhood life lessons that shaped me in too the person i am today. yes i would love to have theses memories for my true desing because it really shows who i am now and will always stick with me forever.i feel i can teach my own children what i have learned and also help the the worl,friends, and my own family in beliveing lessons i have learned so yes in haveing theses memories i can make a blueprint of mytrue self. i would like to teach about respect, the golden rule, caring, trustworthy, andkindness because thats what the world needs life lessons and i have learned them over the period of my childhood.
ReplyDeleteChildhood …. I feel like I never had one like everyone, I have a mother and a father but I lived with my father for majority of my life. It wasn’t till 8 years ago I really have been reunited with my mom. I wouldn’t even consider my childhood a childhood I would just call it living as a child. I had more tragic things happen then all good things that could happen to me during that time. My “childhood” was rough and it’s making it hard to talk about. I cannot just pick one thing that blueprinted my life because it all blue printed my life . From my dad never really taking the time to know me, to him dropping me off a random people houses , to me waiting for him to come ( and yes just like you Ms.B, he would forget ) , to him saying thing like my mother never really cared that’s why she not here now . Let it be known, that this made me bitter as a little girl and it changed everything that surrounded me. For so long I was helpless and I learned how to hide my feeling by being mean ,or how people today would put it “ having a attitude “ it’s easier and I feel as though I don’t have to share how I feel because as a child all I did was cry. Outside of that I felt as though majority of the things I remembered about my childhood was from school and how bad I was. At the root of all memories that I chose to leave out and the person that made the most impact of me would have to be not my father but ,my mother because over these last past couple of 8 years she showed me that “ it Is okay” no matter what emotion or what I been through …. It is okay . Also that I cant live in my past and expecting it to make it in my future . Me and my mother bump heads because there been so much ( and I mean so much) that she has missed but like everything else we get over it . My childhood has made me into this person that figure out who I am but, I do know it is something good. My childhood my not have been a childhood but it was still me living as a child.
ReplyDeleteWhere do I began growing up I live in Atlantic city apartments where they gun shots everyday of the week. We had to be in the house by for o’clock because of all the crack heads, drug dealers, and thugs. Every night my mom would come in the room and pray with us and no more than five minutes we were rolling on the floor because of gun shots. My mom was nervous everyday because my cousins and I had to walk home everyday by ourselves. My uncle came and baby sat us at night when my mom would go to work sometimes he wouldn’t even show up and we would have to wake up for school and fend for ourselves.
ReplyDeleteMy childhood memory makes me the person I am today because I always had fears of men wearing black or a crowd of men together but now I notice hat every man in the world aren’t like the ones I grew up around. When I got to middle school my mm created a better life for us because of what we was surrounded by she didn’t want us to grow up and be influenced by it. When I graduate college and get married I’m going to create a better life for my children I don’t want them to go threw what I had to go threw.
Well my story is quite similar to Danesha's. I was born and raised in Atlantic City until 8th grade year. Through my time in the city i lived in just about every project from first through third village, to backmaryland, to the west side, and the inlet. I seen brains splatter on the ground directly in front of my grandmoms house. The cops made us stay in the house for 7hours until the crime scene was clear. I heard and seen guns pulled out and fired. i had a pretty jacked up childhood. now statistically around this age i either suppose to be arrested or have been arrested at least once, because of murder or possession of drugs. Obviously i do not fall into that catagory. this is because i know what lies in that lane from first hand exprience. I lost both my father and dad because of the previous stated offenses. I havent met my father until i was about 9 or 10 all because he did something that put him in prison for about 9yrs. I always said to my self i will always be in my children lives God willing and that i will make smart decision and not selfish ones because the outcome of them can be very bad. As things began to get worst in the city i begged my mom to move me out of there and that she did. Now in 2010, 5 people that i went to school with and had the same classes with are now dead, 2 of them i hung out with everyday. Countless of them are arrested and serving time in a prison for murdering a gas station attendent. With these childhood memories im shaping my self to rise above the statistics.
ReplyDeletewell.. one memory that i still cant really remember to this day is when i got into a really bad bike accident. i was only 10 years old and was tryin to show off by jumping a ramp at my boys house. i didnt make it and smacked the ground. i woke up 6 hours later and i was in Cooper hospital gettin treated for severe head trama. i laid in bed for 2 weeks after that with stitchs in my mouth, face, and chest and had the worst head ache imaginable. Them whole 2 weeks i sat in bed thinking about why did i even show off? from this memory i havent showed off every since and i think it is gonna keep me out of trouble.
ReplyDeletewell a childhood memory that impacted me is just how my parents acted. both my mother and my father are strong people who never asked for anything from anyone. i guess that has alot to do with how i am today.
ReplyDeletei could definetly let this shape my life. the reason i say this is because i feel that anyone who gives enough drive towards something can achieve many great things. im not the best example of a person who does things on his own but that is pretty much how i live life. anything i want anything i need i try and get it with no help from anyone. i hate the feeling of owing things to people. i especially hate when you ask someone for help with something and they help you and then any time they want something from you or need something they try and hold that against you like remember when i did that for you i didnt have to but i did. i just dont like that and im not the type of person to not help someone. if somoene needs help i do it for nothing. i dont do it so i can get a favor from you later when i need something. plus i never saw my parents ask anyone for everything and my mom was always staight forward with things if we were having hard times she would say look im not gonna be able to get you guys all the things you want or need right now but when things get better you can get it.
i want to be able to do things on my own as an adult i want to be able to buy all my own things i want to have things i couldnt have and i want to be able to be free from people telling me what to do
Wow this is such a touchy topic and I have to admit this is kind of hard. I would have to say the thing that happened to me that
ReplyDeleteI want to shape me is when I skipped school in the 8th grade. Yes I know it sounds bad but listen to the rest or should I say
read. Now I skipped to chill with some friends and I loved that whoile day. I hung out ate all day and had a good time. I did
it right before my birthday and my grandmother came to pick me up from school and I wasnt there. That is how I had gotton caught.
They waited for me to get home and let me tell you I didnt want to go home. Some one had text me and told me they called for me
because I was getting signed out. Thats where it all fell apart. When I went home I was going to lie so hard but I didnt I told
her the truth. In the army we call it Integrity. That means I am willing to admit to my mistakes and man up for them. Many people
have a problem with that and I am proud to say I have it. I will go very far with that attitude and that will define me now and
down the road. It will imapact my family and other people. I actually have a mentor that was in the Marines for 20 years. His name
is SSG Lewis. He teaches me so much and I honestly think if you want to learn how to be a man go to him. Just like he is teaching
me I can teach others to be as responsible as I will be as life goes on.